i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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