they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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