My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
