Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
