If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
