Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
