jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
this beer tastes like vomit already
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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