on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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