Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
