Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
