If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
