If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
