i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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