i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
There was a lot of him and a little penis
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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