I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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