I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
i think my cat just said my name.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
