Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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