this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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