Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
