I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
