I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
