Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
