yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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