I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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