everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
