How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
