I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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