Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
