haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize