hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
