Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
