Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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