so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Randomize
