she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
