I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
