I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
