i think my tv is drunk
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
