My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
