I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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