I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
