anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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