i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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