i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
