You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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