I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
