Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize