There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
