so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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