Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
