I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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