Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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