Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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