the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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