She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
