did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
