Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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