Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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