Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
