I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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