i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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