I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
