I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
