By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Randomize
