Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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