I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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