I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
