I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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