Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
