shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
