drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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