i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
