Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
