I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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