i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
